


Discovering Bucky Barnes

by ifeelsinister



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Drabble, Fluff, Gen, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Bucky Barnes, Genderfluid Character, Nonbinary Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Trans Bucky Barnes, Trans Character, mentions of trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:10:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8172709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifeelsinister/pseuds/ifeelsinister
Summary: Bucky Barnes is fresh out of cryo and decides to figure out what makes up his identity separate from HYDRA. Along the way, he starts exploring his gender identity, too. Because who doesn't love genderfluid Bucky?





	

When Bucky gets out of cryo, he realizes that he doesn't really know who he is.

Well, he knows who he is, but on a textbook level--he's James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky, Steve Rogers' best friend, the Winter Sol--well, he  _ was _ the Winter Soldier. That's in the past, though. Now, he's just Bucky. He likes it better that way.

But he doesn't know who he is on a deeper level, in that for the past several decades, his identity has been completely dictated by HYDRA, by his ability to kill and follow orders without any sort of autonomy over himself. When he was with HYDRA, they told him what to eat, what to wear, when to sleep, what to say (when he was actually allowed to speak), without any consideration for what he actually  _ wanted _ . To HYDRA, Bucky wasn’t a human with wants and desires--he was the Asset, a weapon, nothing more.

So when the trigger words are effectively removed from his brain and he's out of cryo for good, he and his friends make it their goal to figure out who Bucky Barnes  _ really _ is--the things he loves, the things he hates, what makes him happy--without HYDRA there to dictate every aspect of his life. 

(And yeah, Steve could just  _ tell _ Bucky the things he’d liked back before he was taken by HYDRA, but the truth is that Bucky is a different person now from who he was in the 40′s, and it’s the process of Bucky being allowed to decide for himself what he likes and dislikes that’s so important.)

They start small, with things like food. Bucky already knows he likes plums, so the other Avengers take it upon themselves to introduce Bucky to any and all variations of plum-related or plum-flavored food in existence. Plums remain one of Bucky’s favorite foods, but he also realizes that he has a really big sweet tooth, and that he really likes warm drinks, especially hot chocolate and chamomile tea.

Bucky soon realizes that really, he likes  _ anything _ warm. Warm drinks, warm food, warm blankets. Anything to distance himself from the all-too familiar chill of cryogenic chambers and Siberian holding cells. Sam introduces Bucky to the wonderful invention that is the Snuggie, and after that, if Bucky is at home and not doing anything important, he’s most likely lounging around in his oversized blue Snuggie, no matter how warm it is inside or what time of day it is.

Over the course of several months, Bucky starts getting a pretty good grasp on the kinds of things he likes and doesn’t like. He still favors music from the 30′s and 40′s over any modern artists, but as long as the music isn’t too loud or too sad, he can appreciate most kinds of music, modern or not. He likes his coffee with a lot of sugar, and he prefers funny, lighthearted movies over sad ones. He likes to stay up late and then sleep in (if he can), and he also likes to sleep with as many pillows and blankets as possible.

But there’s another big part to Bucky’s identity, too--one that he never really considered until after he got out of cryo.

It starts one morning when Bucky is drinking his morning coffee, watching as Natasha puts on her makeup across the table from him. He stares at her for a couple minutes until she pauses in the middle of putting on her lipstick to raise a perfectly-manicured eyebrow at him. “Can I help you?” she asks dryly.

Instead of the sarcastic quip she’s expecting in reply, he responds with a hesitant, “Can I try?” He isn't really sure why he asks it, but he does.

She stares at him for a moment. “Try what?”

He nods at the lipstick in her hand, and after a moment of processing, she hands it over to him, along with a compact mirror. 

When he puts the lipstick on, it’s very clear he’s never worn it before--the edges are shaky, and he gets some on his teeth. But he looks in the mirror and smiles a little, and when he looks at Natasha, she’s smiling too, just the tiniest of grins.

“It looks nice,” she says. “Though that’s not really your color. I think you’d look better with something like this.” She pulls another tube of lipstick from her bag, and this time, she shows him how to put it on so he doesn’t get it on his teeth, and soon she’s teaching him how to do eyeliner and mascara and telling him what eyeshadow colors will accentuate his eyes.

When Steve wanders into the kitchen half an hour later, he’s a little taken back at first to see Bucky in a full face of makeup--but when he sees the smile on Bucky’s face, he just shrugs and smiles himself, telling Bucky that he looks nice, which makes Bucky grin even wider.

And it just continues from there. When Sam insists that Bucky can’t keep wearing the same hoodie and pair of jeans every single day, he takes Bucky shopping, and when they come home a few hours later, Bucky has several new t-shirts, hoodies, and jeans, as well as a little floral skirt that comes down to his knees. Sam thinks it’s weird for about 2 seconds before he decides it doesn’t matter as long as Bucky’s actually changing his clothes everyday.

(And besides, when Bucky models off his new skirt for everyone later that night, even Sam has to admit it looks nice on him.)

Bucky’s known he was bisexual ever since the 40′s, even though back then no one really talked about things like that, and he didn’t even have a name for it at the time.  But as little as people talked about sexuality back then, they talked about gender even less. It isn’t until one day, when Bucky’s wearing his skirt around the compound and he asks Natasha to paint his nails for him, that she brings it up.

“Have you ever heard of the word ‘transgender’?” she asks nonchalantly as she paints Bucky’s nails a soft blue color. She’s not surprised when he shakes his head. “It’s when someone identifies as a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth. Like, someone identifying as female even though they were assigned a male body or vice versa.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything, just lets the new concept soak into his brain. She continues, “You can be trans and not identify as male or female, too. There are other genders outside of those two.”

Bucky furrows his eyebrows together slightly. “Why are you telling me this?”

She shrugs. “Just thought it might be valuable information,” she says, then goes back to painting his nails in silence. 

Turns out, it  _ is _ valuable information. Later that night, after everyone’s gone to sleep, Bucky does some research online about the things Natasha told him about. He ends up spending hours reading through online forums about nonbinary genders, researching everything he can about this phenomenon he previously knew nothing about. It’s kind of a lot to take in, and somewhat overwhelming--people’s perceptions of gender are so different nowadays than how they used to be, but it’s kind of refreshing, in a way. And something about it just  _ clicks _ . 

Bucky doesn’t tell anyone about it right away, though he figures everyone has their suspicions, considering he hasn’t exactly been secretive about his new affinity for traditionally feminine things like makeup and skirts. The first person he officially tells is Natasha, since she was the one who taught him about it in the first place. After that, he tells Steve (who gives Bucky a bone-crushing hug and insists that he loves him no matter what), then Sam (who rolls his eyes and says “well, no shit, Barnes,” though there’s a bit of a smile on his lips as he says it, and afterwards, he hugs Bucky, too), then the other Avengers. They’re all surprisingly accepting, even if some of them require some education on the subject before they fully understand. Bucky doesn’t mind explaining; he only just realized this was a thing, anyway.

Bucky decides he likes his name and doesn’t want to change it. He also doesn’t mind masculine pronouns, though he also likes gender neutral and feminine pronouns as well, and he asks his friends to alternate between calling him he, she, and they. They are more than willing to comply to Bucky’s request. 

After Bucky comes out and gets more comfortable in their identity, they briefly look into the possibility of some kind of physical transition. They wouldn’t mind going on estrogen, but anything other than that is too invasive, too resemblant of medical procedures done by HYDRA--and besides, Bucky is kind of learning to like his body. It’s a weird concept to Bucky--being comfortable in her own skin after years and years of feeling like a prisoner in it--but then again, a lot has changed since he got away from HYDRA. He still has bad days where he refuses to eat or leave his room. Bucky still has nightmares and flashbacks and doesn’t handle overly stressful situations really well. But she’s so much further from where they used to be. And slowly--slowly--Bucky is starting to understand who he really is.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing this drabble for ten years and I just now finished it. I know it's mediocre but I'm a slut for trans headcanons so sue me ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
